How to accept feedback when you don't agree with it?
Hiya! I hope you had a fabulous Thanksgiving weekend and spent some time with your friends and family before our next big Holiday season. We know how busy it will get!I was asked this question recently in a workshop of mine which was, "How do I accept feedback and not take it personally? "
Hmm... I wondered. This question came up right after I dropped one of the four agreements, Don't take anything personally. Interesting insight. I realized that this was a common theme between the group and so I got curious instead.
Feedback is one of those things we put a TON of value on because we are told that the people above us or manage us know best. Our teachers, parents (sometimes), managers, directors, VP, senior colleagues know better, etc. Well, what if you don't agree with it and feel like its bonkers? You might consider, there were a million factors involved here that are out of my control so why am I receiving this feedback? My 360 feedback was all over the map with some terrible reviews, what do I do with that?Here's the thing. There is VALUE in receiving feedback otherwise there would be no such thing. A lot of us might need a reminder that feedback can help us grow personally and professionally. We are always evolving and growing. Sometimes, we have blinders on, and it may be hard for us to see what other's see. Feedback can help laser focus on the areas that we may need or want to develop to get to that next step and so on and so on. However, I always ask my coaching clients the following questions when they receive a "bad" review sort of speak.1. What's the truth in this feedback?2. What's not accurate with this feedback?3. What comes up for you when you hear this about you?4. How is the feedback being given to you?5. Who is the person giving you the feedback and what's the relationship like?6. Do you respect or admire this person's opinion? Why or why not?7. If you were to let yourself feel this, does this person have your best interest at heart? Be honest.8. What's the reason for the feedback and why is it coming up now?9. Is the person giving you the feedback able to provide you with tangible examples that they have seen or experienced?10. What are you going to do about it now and what options do you have?I ask these questions because there are a TON of things to consider when accepting feedback from someone. There is also an ART to giving feedback to someone and unfortunately, many of aren't that great when providing feedback. It is a skillset.
I once was given feedback in a way that paralyzed me because it was a shock to my system. I was shocked for a number of reasons. I had been working my ass off with little to zero resources and support. I knew that I was pushing too hard and working WAY too much and yet, the feedback was a hit to the heart and felt misplaced. Did I agree with the feedback? No. Did I agree with some of it? Not really. However, given the organizational culture, I tweaked my performance based on the advice. When I brought this feedback to others and asked for their opinion, I received a multitude of responses that thought the feedback wasn't warranted. Keep in mind, the person giving me the feedback had fired someone that same morning, so another factor to consider here. This person was also not present to the situation either. Again, a multitude of scenarios. I could sit and cry about it. I could believe it to be true. I could find it not to be true. What I did was tweak as necessary, finished off the project like a professional and reflected on what I could have done better next time.
Seeing that I've received feedback from plenty of bosses, mentors, and coaches in my professional life (I've had plenty of different jobs so far) I now accept feedback from people I respect, admire and have their best interests for me. I've seen plenty of people transform after receiving feedback and then others who stay stagnant. It's all a hit or miss! If you are someone who heard feedback recently and you don't feel good about it, book a complimentary strategy call with me by clicking here and let's work through it together!
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Much love, Sonia