Don’t Mistaken My Kindness as Weakness

Hi there!

It’s mid-January in 2018 ALREADY. Boy did this ever come quickly. I had my first vision board party yesterday with a bunch of incredible women doing amazing things for themselves. These women are not mediocre and far from being ordinary. Being in a room with these types of people light me up and give me, even more, energy and inspiration to work on my goals and dreams.

This post is about how many people mistaken someone’s kindness as weakness. I must say that for a very long portion of my life, my people pleasing tendencies had gotten me into trouble. It’s not an attractive trait, and people can smell it off of you. It’s almost like they have this thought, “hm….weak boundaries, let’s see what I can get from this person.” Since we are all human beings, this type of people pleasing saboteur can, in fact, have you feeling taken advantage of by others if you do not set up proper boundaries. I ran into this repetitive pattern quite often in 2017, and I feel like I finally get it now. Well, there’s always more work to do. We all want to be helpful, supportive, offer our thoughts and opinions, and maybe sometimes unsolicited advice to contribute to being a “good” person. I understand the intentions might be well intended. However, there is a HUGE problem with being too kind to people. I stood up a lot for myself last year which is something I wasn’t necessarily prepared to do. I was taught to put my head down, wait for things to happen and do what people ask of you because you are in some shape or form obligated to do so. In the meantime, work your ass off until it hurts because eventually, it will pay off. The question I could have asked myself earlier on was, what is my payoff?……

Yeah, that didn’t work out for me the way I hoped. I was left feeling depleted, not appreciated or respected, devalued, and always as if I didn’t have enough to bring to the table because I still needed MORE to be successful in my career and love life. Two significant areas of my life btw.

That’s a nice combination of not feeling good enough all the time. No wonder I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried something different than the status quo in the past 1.5 years.

As for 2018, after my creative vision board party, it has offered me two themes.

A few photos of my vision board, hooray!

THEME 1: Saying HELL YES or HELL NO to anything that comes my way. There is no in-between feeling. Anything less than an eight on a scale from 1 – 10 is now a NO decision. Anything eight and above is a HELL YES move forward!

THEME 2: Say No to the Chase and Yes to Receiving. I chased people and jobs for years that offered very little fulfillment, lack of respect, and reciprocity in these relationships. I’m acutely aware now as seeing myself with impact, value, and leadership. Now, I only want to build relationships with people who understand that and who are supportive. There are no games. There is only mutual respect and easy breezy flow. To ME, that’s when I know I am on the right path and moving in the right direction. You can feel it.

There is a ton of power in saying no to opportunities and people that just don’t feel right. Let’s take money as an example since this is a topic everyone can relate to in some shape or form.

Asking for money gets easier over time. When I first started asking for money in my business, the reactions from people were hilarious. Typically, there is an excuse for why people don’t have the money right now to pay you but maybe in two months or three months when things settle down. Or, they may say we don’t have the budget to spend that kind of money for your services but, if you want to do it, and are willing to do it cheaper than we can make that happen! Keep in mind, the people I was asking money for in exchange for my services I was giving WAY too much of my time and free services than I probably should have entertained. My many acts of kindness, weak boundaries, and being SO fixated on the outcome, self-sabotaged because these potential clients did not see me as valuable enough to pay the price points I was asking. Now that also has to do with my mastery of sales at the time which is a work in progress I must say! However, I was too kind, and these acts of kindness were viewed as weakness, and I consistently questioned my worth and value.

How did this leave me feeling? Validating my thoughts and story of I’m not good enough in some way. I also believed that there aren’t enough opportunities to draw from, so I better offer something different and do it anyways.

I needed to experience this recurring pattern consciously over and over again until it became easy to say no and easy to say yes. Now when I ask for money, if the answer is no I move on without disappointment, fear, or anxiety that I won’t be able to make it. I move on powerfully and with energy because I trust that my people are waiting for me to reach out and work together without resistance or fear. (well maybe some fear!) Clients need to WANT to work with you.

The same lessons can be used in dating. I no longer entertain the game. I say yes to men who have respect and are genuine with their actions. Hell, we even have phone conversations instead of “texting.” Texting is majorly dull to me now. Please stop asking me personal questions through a text. I just can’t. I’m not the “nice” girl I used to be because I see myself as someone who deserves a love that feels extraordinary and it’s changed the game entirely for me. When you begin to shift your perspective and learn to say no without fear of scarcity, your life will open up.

If you are a single woman looking for love and tired of swiping right or left, join me on February 8th in Toronto for a women’s love circle. Early bird tickets are on sale now until February 1st.

Click here to RSVP your tickets

Be prepared to be cracked wide open at this women’s love circle and leave with a solid strategy to take your love life to the next level. It’s my mission to help women learn a new way of being in love so they can enjoy the process instead of beating themselves up for the countless disappointments. Find the love you deserve, not what you’ve been taught to justify. I can’t wait to meet you and I am so excited to talk about your LOVE story 🙂

That’s all for now!

xoxo Sonia

What’s your batting average?

Is your batting average a big fat zero? Or a nice .400? In baseball, if you are hitting at .400%, you are the all-time MVP. Trust me.

I’m calling the next chapter of my life; Nothing to Lose.

I spent a lot of time not taking action on the things that are most important to me. The things that mattered to me. The areas in my life I thought was a distant dream but one day would be my reality. Mostly, I wasn’t aware of what was important to me and because I was too busy people pleasing everyone else around me and supporting them with their goals. #peoplepleaser and #rescuer. Now at the big 3 – 0, I realize that I am over a hump of leaving my life to chance. Because leaving it to chance doesn’t work for me and adulting is HARD lol.

I recently had a great call with my Leadership Coach on dating. I am ready to get back in the game and start hitting again.(baseball reference people) To do this, you need to get out of your comfort zone and put yourself out there. Ugh. FEAR. LOL. So I started thinking about what I want? What do I want out of this? What’s going to work for me right now? Now that that’s clearer, how I do make it happen? So I came up with a dating strategy to meet new, fun, exciting, and intelligent men. I uncovered old beliefs and changed them to new beliefs. I worked on my mindset and emotional state so that when I meet these fascinating individuals, I have an open mind and I can connect better and have fun. Roll with the punches. Let’s just say that mindset has been the biggest shift for me because I already see the change in how I interact with men available in my life. It’s not about the end goal because I am looking for genuine friendships and connection. Simple.

All that to say, this area of my life is moving, shifting, and FAR MORE enjoyable than before. Thank Goodness!

My message here is not necessarily about dating, but, more importantly, about the action you take in your life. Just like any other area of your life whether it be career, money, friendships, love, real estate, the hard truth is that the less action you take, the fewer results you see. It’s not ALWAYS personal. Being resilient is going to help you big time to move your life in a direction and steer appropriately when necessary.

Here are some scenarios where your “outcome” or “expectation” will not help you and might stop you in your tracks of taking more action.

1. Applying for a job you are 100% qualified for and go through the entire interview process only to find out the employer offered the job to someone who didn’t have half the skills you did? WTF.
2. Starting a business with the expectation that you’ll make 15K in the first three months without any relationship pipelines developed. Yeah, this takes some work.
3. Putting it out there that you are interested in someone cute only to find out they have a partner or worse, they just don’t like you. Ouch.
4. Expecting your family to be more understanding and just get you one day. Expecting them to be different. #probablynot
5. Buying a home in Toronto without any plan to save for a down payment. There is no hashtag for this one.

Anyways, in my next chapter, I am exploring opportunities and saying YES. Situations that scare the hell outta me. Taking action on my dreams rather than sitting back and saying, well one day it’s going to happen right?

Discover what you want (this involves some thinking), make a plan with some action items and timelines, do the action items and see how it goes. Didn’t meet your “expectation”? That’s alright, hug yourself, be kind to yourself, and try again 🙂 Forget about your fears, limitations, expectations, or assumptions. Leadership is about taking action and being OK when you fail. Failure is going to be the most valuable lesson you will ever learn throughout your life and it will teach you what you need to do. So go out there and fail a little bit!

Tired of batting at 0? I know I was and that was a signal for me to do something about it. If you need help in uncovering your expectations, fears, beliefs, and assumptions are in your life and how these are holding you back, send me an email at sonia@soniagrossi.com, and we can talk. I work with people who want to thrive and evolve through a transformation to become a hero of their own story.

-Sonia

Learn to say NO and STOP People Pleasing

Learn to say NO. The hard truth. Lately, I am bombarded with people demanding my attention, time and energy, I’ve had to practice saying no to people and believe me this didn’t come easy. It’s the most liberating feeling once you begin the process of saying NO. At first, you feel really bad about it up until the point you have to say no, but then, when you do, you feel much lighter.

Some of us learned at a very young age that you had to be a certain way with people. In some family circles, and especially if you are a woman, you were taught to take care of everyone else before ever attending to your needs. Some of us felt really bad if we said no to our friends and wanted to focus on ourselves, or maybe, we felt bad when we had to “break up” with a boyfriend or girlfriend and in turn, delayed letting them go. Delays block you off from people and opportunities that are right for you and can potentially move you forward powerfully. Sometimes we make certain choices based on what others want, instead of what we want for ourselves and, unfortunately, delay our goals and aspirations. We want to be there for people absolutely, and I would never advocate for someone not supporting their loved ones. Be in communication with these people to show them you care and that you are there for them, even if they are a little dramatic 😉

What I recommend for anyone who is a People Pleaser who may feel depleted by the demands of others is to get clear on your priorities and goals. Carve out time in your week to focus energy and time on those goals and priorities. Create your recipe for the areas in your life you want to focus on in the next 2 – 3 months. I do this exercise with my coaching clients, and it helps them focus instead of getting overwhelmed with all of the things we have to do. An example of this could be how much time do you want to dedicate to your job search, how much time for romance, recreation, or family? Design your life any way you want that makes sense and feels good for you.

What are the benefits of saying NO:

  1. Have more energy and time to focus on your big picture goals and get what you want
  2. Get clarity in your life by getting rid of anything that you are tolerating
  3. Let go of anything that takes up time and energy in your brain
  4. Begin to feel lighter, breezy, and confident in your decisions
  5. Begin to trust your intuition and feel your way through things rather than reacting to life

What is the impact if you don’t say NO:

  1. Resentment
  2. Anger
  3. Exhausted
  4. Stressed
  5. Overwhelmed
  6. Afraid
  7. Delaying your life’s dreams and goals while the people around you are moving forward – fun!

It’s OK to focus on yourself and what you want. It’s all about balance.

In conclusion, make time for your goals and dreams, and have fun in the process. It’s OK if you feel like you’re not as far ahead of your peers because they are on a different journey than you. As we grow, we change, and we start to learn more about ourselves and what we value. Sometimes, we discover that the people we’ve surrounded ourselves for so long may not fit those values anymore and that is OK too. We keep moving forward and going after what we want to spend our time and energy on, and there is nothing selfish about that – it is your life and depending on your beliefs, you may only get one shot at it so make it count.

-Sonia