Dating 101

In the spirit of MOvember and everything I’ve experienced in my dating life recently, I decided to release this post. If I’m honest (which I am) dating can be an extremely overwhelming, stressful, disappointing and a dull area in our lives to navigate. Now that we have easy access to meet and talk to new people at our fingertips, it can pose discomfort for some of us as we may not be skilled in the areas of talking to people. Yes, I am being serious. Talking to humans is a skill set.

There are a lot of people both men and women I talk to who are single and feeling like crap about it. It’s as if it’s the end of the world because all their friends are getting married, having babies, or in long-term relationships. The race to the finish line is stressful, and with all the seemingly “reasonable” options settling down before our eyes, our options are limited. Or so we are trained to think.

I dedicate this post mainly to men. Women already have Matthew Hussey for that kind of thing, however, I’m open to it. I published a post a while back entitled, “What are men for?” Click here to read It received a lot of attention with men specifically. Random people on Instagram messaged me on my account. People I haven’t spoken to for years commented on the content. I find that there are three types of people in this area who genuinely desire a relationship and in the hopes for one.
1. There is the hopeless, defeated feeling type of human who dates occasionally and hates it.
2. There are the ones who enjoy dating and view dating as an exciting time in their lives. (possibilities are endless) Have fun with it.
3. There are the ones who enjoy their comfort zone a lot (me for a long time) and decide to leave love out of their lives because of 1000 reasons. Time, money, divorced, have kids, been heartbroken before. Whatever the reasons! I have been all three people.

I am now the second btw 😉

Here’s what I want to say that I haven’t said yet. Dating can be fun, exciting, and fulfilling if you know what you are doing. I truly and sincerely mean that. Your end goal doesn’t always need to be a relationship because statistically speaking, most people you meet are not a right fit for a relationship that is truly satisfying and fulfilling and that’s OK.

Often I hear my clients tell me precisely what they want their ideal partners/ideal relationship to look like and feel like and yet their current reality isn’t living up to those standards.

Or I’ll hear, if only it weren’t for this thing it would be perfect and then even after they share this, they go on to tell me, it is what it is, and you have to learn to compromise on things. Otherwise, you’ll always be alone. I agree, no one is perfect, and even though your story is cute and persuasive to a certain extent, I still believe you deserve a big extraordinary love you dream of and desire. Otherwise, what’s it all for? That’s a question to answer for yourself.

Why do people talk like this? I have some theories.

Maybe it’s a fear of not being good enough. Perhaps it’s the fear of being alone and finding someone who fits what you want seems too challenging. Maybe it’s a lack of confidence. Maybe you feel as if that person is “out of your league”. Maybe you just don’t know how to “pick up” women or talk to them. Maybe you don’t have money to date. Maybe you don’t want to be disappointed all over again. Perhaps you feel like you don’t have the time or energy to keep dating new people over and over. Maybe it’s a fear that it’s not possible to be with the person you want to be with. She doesn’t even exist, I’m running out of time, and there must be something wrong with me.

Scarcity mindset runs our lives and allow us to make bad decisions. This is where disappointment comes to play. Just think about all your previous relationships that ended. Most likely they were made due to a fear of scarcity of potential mates to a certain extent. 

These are all very real for people, and I get it. I used to think this way too, and my love life suffered because of it. Start thinking about what are you saying no to and what are you saying yes to? Think about the type of energy you feel when you are on dates with potential mates. What does it feel like?

If you want to chat, comment below or send me an email at sonia@soniagrossi.com and we can talk about your challenges with dating. We will also come up with a plan to get you to where you want to be, and it can look any way you want.

It’s pretty simple really and it can be fun 😉

Love, Sonia

 

 

What are men for?

Hi there,

Regarding the content you are about to read, it is raw and open. I am merely expressing my views on relationships as I see this as the largest spoken topic in our current culture even for myself. Relationships are an important area of my life I’ve been exploring my entire life. People are obsessed with relationships and so many are seeking to find their dream man or woman as we know to be true from Disney movies. Sorry Disney, but you kind of did us a disservice.

I see relationships differently than the status quo. You see the problem why I had trouble envisioning what happened after Cinderella married her Prince, or Ariel marrying Prince Eric or Jasmine and Aladdin pairing up is what happens after that? It’s like OK so now what? All this courtship, romance, barriers to overcome in the face of love and then it’s a happily ever after story. Then we compare this to what happens after with the people around us. It may not look like a happily ever after story after all.

Let me tell you what I see. I have never been someone who will settle for anything less than spectacular and many people know this about me, especially when it comes to relationships. I’ve been a woman who goes against the grain and let me tell you it’s fabulous. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic (secretly) and have wondered how it would feel for a man to court and pursue a woman. I wondered what it would be like for a person to invest his time, and express his romantic and sweet side. Someone you can be friends with and be attracted to emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Sounds magical. Someone fun, spontaneous, and has a hunger for life and wants to experience life to its full potential. Someone who is hardworking, committed, and ambitious. He knows the value of money, creative with finances and knows exactly how he wants to spend his money by living out his dreams through what he values. This is the guy who knows his values and is building a life to reflect what is important to him. Someone who knows that society, family, and friends create our limitations and that we can make any amount of desired money, have an amazing career, have nurturing friendships and supportive families, and live in a comfortable living situation as long as we are willing to put in the work. You are not a victim of circumstance, however, a creator of your life. Anything you want to experience in this life you can make it happen.

If I’m honest, I’m not looking for someone to compliment my financial stability, even though that is what women have been taught to look for in a man. They tell us, “Look for the man that can take care of you financially, he’s a keeper.” Although this is enticing, I will make my amount of money thank you! I am also not looking for a man who depends on his Mommy either. Men who are hopeless in taking care of themselves can lack certain skills for adulthood. Believe me; there are lots of men AND women still out there like this in their late twenties and thirties and it ain’t attractive. Women for years learned that we need to take care of our man. We cook, clean, organize, plan (because they don’t know how to apparently), and drop everything for a guy because how else are you going to keep him interested? The list here could go on…if you know what I’m saying. If you do your own thing for a few days, he might believe you aren’t interested in him anymore and not spending enough time with him. Ugh..this guy is annoying and to be honest, I’m not at all interested.

I was never interested in being just someone’s “girlfriend.” I was also never interested in being the “cool girl” or “hot girl.” I asked a guy I was dating once in the beginning what it was he liked about me. His response, “You’re cool, you paid for my movie ticket.” My thoughts, “Yeah thanks. I paid because your card bounced back having no money on date 3 and I’m far more interesting than my bank account.” True story. I don’t want to hang out in your parent’s basement and watch TV shows with you every night. I don’t want to “hang out” with you because you’re too afraid to ask a woman on a real date for fear of being rejected or because you have “options”. Oh and I can’t stand the ambivalence of asking people out now. For instance, “Let’s hang only if you want to” or “Let me know if you are free and want to do this again” I get it. We think we have a ton of options at our fingertips and we are afraid of rejection so we come up with low investment ways to spend our time with other people. To be honest, if I’m going to go out of my way to meet up with someone I hardly know, that’s a big deal and a huge time investment. Modern dating has a new set of “unspoken rules” and for a woman who is looking for the real deal, it can be very frustrating. I will not be the woman who enables you to stay the same and comfortable. I used to think the guy who lets me do what I want at the expense of his happiness was admirable; now I find it sad. Don’t be a pushover.  I want to be pushed outside of my comfort zone and be my greatest hero, and I want to be able to do the same for you. I want tough love, and I want to hear the truth even when it hurts. I want to know how you feel about things and not be afraid to say it. I want the guy who goes after what he wants and has confidence, because it’s hella sexy. I want an equal. I’m not interested in picking the guy that’s available and seems OK out of mere convenience just because he seems interested and I’m single. That’s just not me. I’m looking for the real thing, something deep and connected. Something that’s going to push me to my ultimate limits in love and someone who appreciates vulnerability and all of my beautiful gifts and flaws. That extraordinary love. Not convenience love.

My Old Beliefs:

  1. Men are for financial stability
  2. Men are only interested in you if you are overly promiscuous
  3. Men at 30 and beyond don’t date women who don’t own their own place
  4. Men expect something from you (this is highly due to my early experiences which took me a very long to heal from)
  5. It’s REALLY HARD to find a man who respects you and loves you
  6. Men don’t want to be friends first. They’d rather be something else with you first.
  7. Men have a ton of options you are competing with
  8. Men get bored easily
  9. Men are egotistical
  10. Men are terrible at planning and taking initiative
  11. Because I am beautiful, men should do what I want
  12. I don’t need a man because I am independent (YEAH!)
  13. Men are never over their ex-girlfriends
  14. Men act like victims when they find me
  15. Men who are single at my age and above means there is something terribly wrong with them (believe me I’m not proud of this one either)

What are the results of these beliefs? Answer: I’ve met men exactly like my beliefs, and I’ve been disappointed every time. I also created a story that all men were bad when in fact this is not true. Then I wonder where all the good ones are? So I gave up on love for awhile.  With all that to say, I’m here to tell you that I have a new story and it’s WAY more exciting than the old one I’ve been telling myself.

Being single is not a bad thing. It’s not a sad thing. It doesn’t make you incomplete. There is nothing wrong with you if you are single. You are not broken and you sure as hell do not need to rush out there and find someone. That mentality needs to shift. I always felt like people who were in relationships had something more than me because they had a “partner” and I didn’t. This is partly because people who are in relationships think they are one higher or one up than a single person and that they have it all figured out. When the truth is, I’m doing the internal work that most people avoid their whole lives because they are afraid to look within. They are afraid of looking at who they are with as they may not be the one they really want to be with deep down inside. You always intuitively know this and yet we keep moving along on autopilot as time passes you by.  Since they are afraid to do the work, they stay the same, wonder why they aren’t happy and why after 5 years their “partner” just doesn’t do it for them anymore. I’m still doing the work and figuring out my purpose, who I am, and what I am here to do and it’s not about someone else or #relationshipgoals. Although sometimes relationship goals have a nice ring to it. It’s about me and I know that deep in my heart there are a ton of amazing available men looking for someone like me because guess what, I’m awesome.

My New Story:

  1. Men are for friendship
  2. Men are for vulnerability
  3. Men are for adventure
  4. Men are for fun
  5. Men are for intelligent conversations
  6. Men are for new experiences
  7. Men are for romance
  8. Men are for self-expression
  9. Men can communicate how they feel (sometimes)
  10. Men are great allies for your self-development
  11. Men are great at enhancing your experience of life
  12. Men are my equal

Given my new story, I am now looking for proof! When I reflect back to the people in my life who have excited me, they fall in line with my new story beliefs. Those are the people I love to meet and spend time with 😀 I’m keeping it real and low stakes with men for the time being.

So tell me, what old stories are keeping you safe and sound? Do you think all the good ones are taken? Do you think you’ve missed the boat? Are you frustrated with all the wasted time and energy spent on Tinder and Bumble?

Comment below or send me an email, I’d love to help you turn those beliefs around one step at a time. You can change your thoughts and feelings to experience anything you think is just a dream and not your reality.

-Sonia