Don’t Mistaken My Kindness as Weakness

Hi there!

It’s mid-January in 2018 ALREADY. Boy did this ever come quickly. I had my first vision board party yesterday with a bunch of incredible women doing amazing things for themselves. These women are not mediocre and far from being ordinary. Being in a room with these types of people light me up and give me, even more, energy and inspiration to work on my goals and dreams.

This post is about how many people mistaken someone’s kindness as weakness. I must say that for a very long portion of my life, my people pleasing tendencies had gotten me into trouble. It’s not an attractive trait, and people can smell it off of you. It’s almost like they have this thought, “hm….weak boundaries, let’s see what I can get from this person.” Since we are all human beings, this type of people pleasing saboteur can, in fact, have you feeling taken advantage of by others if you do not set up proper boundaries. I ran into this repetitive pattern quite often in 2017, and I feel like I finally get it now. Well, there’s always more work to do. We all want to be helpful, supportive, offer our thoughts and opinions, and maybe sometimes unsolicited advice to contribute to being a “good” person. I understand the intentions might be well intended. However, there is a HUGE problem with being too kind to people. I stood up a lot for myself last year which is something I wasn’t necessarily prepared to do. I was taught to put my head down, wait for things to happen and do what people ask of you because you are in some shape or form obligated to do so. In the meantime, work your ass off until it hurts because eventually, it will pay off. The question I could have asked myself earlier on was, what is my payoff?……

Yeah, that didn’t work out for me the way I hoped. I was left feeling depleted, not appreciated or respected, devalued, and always as if I didn’t have enough to bring to the table because I still needed MORE to be successful in my career and love life. Two significant areas of my life btw.

That’s a nice combination of not feeling good enough all the time. No wonder I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried something different than the status quo in the past 1.5 years.

As for 2018, after my creative vision board party, it has offered me two themes.

A few photos of my vision board, hooray!

THEME 1: Saying HELL YES or HELL NO to anything that comes my way. There is no in-between feeling. Anything less than an eight on a scale from 1 – 10 is now a NO decision. Anything eight and above is a HELL YES move forward!

THEME 2: Say No to the Chase and Yes to Receiving. I chased people and jobs for years that offered very little fulfillment, lack of respect, and reciprocity in these relationships. I’m acutely aware now as seeing myself with impact, value, and leadership. Now, I only want to build relationships with people who understand that and who are supportive. There are no games. There is only mutual respect and easy breezy flow. To ME, that’s when I know I am on the right path and moving in the right direction. You can feel it.

There is a ton of power in saying no to opportunities and people that just don’t feel right. Let’s take money as an example since this is a topic everyone can relate to in some shape or form.

Asking for money gets easier over time. When I first started asking for money in my business, the reactions from people were hilarious. Typically, there is an excuse for why people don’t have the money right now to pay you but maybe in two months or three months when things settle down. Or, they may say we don’t have the budget to spend that kind of money for your services but, if you want to do it, and are willing to do it cheaper than we can make that happen! Keep in mind, the people I was asking money for in exchange for my services I was giving WAY too much of my time and free services than I probably should have entertained. My many acts of kindness, weak boundaries, and being SO fixated on the outcome, self-sabotaged because these potential clients did not see me as valuable enough to pay the price points I was asking. Now that also has to do with my mastery of sales at the time which is a work in progress I must say! However, I was too kind, and these acts of kindness were viewed as weakness, and I consistently questioned my worth and value.

How did this leave me feeling? Validating my thoughts and story of I’m not good enough in some way. I also believed that there aren’t enough opportunities to draw from, so I better offer something different and do it anyways.

I needed to experience this recurring pattern consciously over and over again until it became easy to say no and easy to say yes. Now when I ask for money, if the answer is no I move on without disappointment, fear, or anxiety that I won’t be able to make it. I move on powerfully and with energy because I trust that my people are waiting for me to reach out and work together without resistance or fear. (well maybe some fear!) Clients need to WANT to work with you.

The same lessons can be used in dating. I no longer entertain the game. I say yes to men who have respect and are genuine with their actions. Hell, we even have phone conversations instead of “texting.” Texting is majorly dull to me now. Please stop asking me personal questions through a text. I just can’t. I’m not the “nice” girl I used to be because I see myself as someone who deserves a love that feels extraordinary and it’s changed the game entirely for me. When you begin to shift your perspective and learn to say no without fear of scarcity, your life will open up.

If you are a single woman looking for love and tired of swiping right or left, join me on February 8th in Toronto for a women’s love circle. Early bird tickets are on sale now until February 1st.

Click here to RSVP your tickets

Be prepared to be cracked wide open at this women’s love circle and leave with a solid strategy to take your love life to the next level. It’s my mission to help women learn a new way of being in love so they can enjoy the process instead of beating themselves up for the countless disappointments. Find the love you deserve, not what you’ve been taught to justify. I can’t wait to meet you and I am so excited to talk about your LOVE story 🙂

That’s all for now!

xoxo Sonia

The Self-Compassionate Leader

The end of August for me is a time for reflection, back to work with organizations ramping up for their next fiscal year, and for many back to school.  I always get a little tense around this time partly because I know I can no longer wear summer dresses and cute shoes in a few weeks 😦

Life throws at you the good, the bad, and the ugly.

We know this, and most of the time we want to avoid the bad and the ugly. No one wants to suffer. However, it’s part of the deal. The deal of life. This past summer I’ve been submerging myself in a ton of situations and opportunities that have stretched me beyond my comfort zone, and because of this, my inner critic has been REALLY loud.

What I mean by my “inner critic” is the mean things I say to myself that do not help my performance, self-esteem, or the way I feel about life. I never realized how much I was doing this until this summer and of course with the help of my Leadership Coach. Then I thought about what it looked like on the outside of someone who is hard on themselves?

Not an attractive leader.

Every time you up level in this game of life ( and you are the protagonist in this story btw) your inner critic, gremlins, or saboteurs to name a few go wild! This is because they have developed habits over an extended period by outside forces other than your own.

They kind of sound like this.

  • “You are so shit and not skilled at this yet.”
  • “You are 30 years old already, how do you not have this figured out, everyone else has it figured out.”
  • “How are you a public motivational speaker? You don’t even have your own life figured out?”
  • “What’s wrong with you that you can’t achieve any of your dreams?”
  • “Everyone thinks you’re a failure because you don’t have a corporate job, marriage, and kids, a home, etc. Pretty useless if you ask me.”
  • “Your coworkers are better at this than you.”
  • “It’s going to take you YEARS to move up the corporate latter.”
  • ” Build a business at your age? Psh…you might as well give up now because only experienced individuals can do this kind of stuff.”
  • “They are right. You are not skilled enough for this.”

OK – so some of these are a little exaggerated, but you can get a sense for how those sound and feel inside my head and in my body. Not very motivating at least in the long run. I’ve been sprinting my way through a marathon thinking I would never get tired because I’m invincible. Wrong.

This list can go on. Eventually what happens is that you begin to look at failure as a negative thing or a bad thing and it tends to stop you in your tracks. Eventually failing seems worse than where you are now. So you give up and feel like shit because you are never good enough to get what you want. That’s been my story for awhile. Ever since I was a little girl the bar was set high, and if I didn’t meet it, I didn’t amount to anything of value, and I didn’t have the skills or consciousness to give myself self-compassion. I didn’t even know what it truly meant until I began reading Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. Can you be nice to yourself for making mistakes? WOAH. Forgiveness and vulnerability are compelling and two key ingredients to sustaining relationships and the relationship you have with yourself. I don’t need to feel shame anymore by things I did or said. I do need to forgive myself and learn from my mistakes if I want to be the human being I want to be which is full of love, compassion, decisiveness, leadership, fun and flirty energy 🙂 watch out!

Now as in today, I am changing this story, and I will be practicing self-compassion more and more to myself. I don’t want to be the type of person who only feels like they are succeeding based on achievements or performance because humans aren’t perfect and we mistakes. Success isn’t a ladder you keep climbing without falling a few steps behind. Take a look at your life map up until now, and you’ll see all the dips and raises you took. The greatest heroes have ups and downs too.

I will wait for the right opportunities in my life that I desire. This goes for every aspect of my life. Love, career, friendships, home space, and fun. The kinder you are to yourself, the more “right” opportunities will come your way and you will be able to recognize it immediately. Thank you, Abraham Hicks for this intel.

Remember you are the protagonist of your own life so give yourself credit, be kind to yourself, learn from mistakes, be kind to others and raise the standard. There is no need to feel shame, embarrassed, unworthy or deflated. You can feel differently when you understand that life happens for you not to you. How do you want to feel?

I hope this is helpful for those of you who are perfectionists, and hyper-achievers like me. Even if you are not those things, you can see that by being kinder to yourself helps you be the leader this world needs. The world is waiting for you, your ideas, and your leadership to make it a better and more compassionate place for all those to benefit from.

-Sonia