Dating 101

In the spirit of MOvember and everything I’ve experienced in my dating life recently, I decided to release this post. If I’m honest (which I am) dating can be an extremely overwhelming, stressful, disappointing and a dull area in our lives to navigate. Now that we have easy access to meet and talk to new people at our fingertips, it can pose discomfort for some of us as we may not be skilled in the areas of talking to people. Yes, I am being serious. Talking to humans is a skill set.

There are a lot of people both men and women I talk to who are single and feeling like crap about it. It’s as if it’s the end of the world because all their friends are getting married, having babies, or in long-term relationships. The race to the finish line is stressful, and with all the seemingly “reasonable” options settling down before our eyes, our options are limited. Or so we are trained to think.

I dedicate this post mainly to men. Women already have Matthew Hussey for that kind of thing, however, I’m open to it. I published a post a while back entitled, “What are men for?” Click here to read It received a lot of attention with men specifically. Random people on Instagram messaged me on my account. People I haven’t spoken to for years commented on the content. I find that there are three types of people in this area who genuinely desire a relationship and in the hopes for one.
1. There is the hopeless, defeated feeling type of human who dates occasionally and hates it.
2. There are the ones who enjoy dating and view dating as an exciting time in their lives. (possibilities are endless) Have fun with it.
3. There are the ones who enjoy their comfort zone a lot (me for a long time) and decide to leave love out of their lives because of 1000 reasons. Time, money, divorced, have kids, been heartbroken before. Whatever the reasons! I have been all three people.

I am now the second btw 😉

Here’s what I want to say that I haven’t said yet. Dating can be fun, exciting, and fulfilling if you know what you are doing. I truly and sincerely mean that. Your end goal doesn’t always need to be a relationship because statistically speaking, most people you meet are not a right fit for a relationship that is truly satisfying and fulfilling and that’s OK.

Often I hear my clients tell me precisely what they want their ideal partners/ideal relationship to look like and feel like and yet their current reality isn’t living up to those standards.

Or I’ll hear, if only it weren’t for this thing it would be perfect and then even after they share this, they go on to tell me, it is what it is, and you have to learn to compromise on things. Otherwise, you’ll always be alone. I agree, no one is perfect, and even though your story is cute and persuasive to a certain extent, I still believe you deserve a big extraordinary love you dream of and desire. Otherwise, what’s it all for? That’s a question to answer for yourself.

Why do people talk like this? I have some theories.

Maybe it’s a fear of not being good enough. Perhaps it’s the fear of being alone and finding someone who fits what you want seems too challenging. Maybe it’s a lack of confidence. Maybe you feel as if that person is “out of your league”. Maybe you just don’t know how to “pick up” women or talk to them. Maybe you don’t have money to date. Maybe you don’t want to be disappointed all over again. Perhaps you feel like you don’t have the time or energy to keep dating new people over and over. Maybe it’s a fear that it’s not possible to be with the person you want to be with. She doesn’t even exist, I’m running out of time, and there must be something wrong with me.

Scarcity mindset runs our lives and allow us to make bad decisions. This is where disappointment comes to play. Just think about all your previous relationships that ended. Most likely they were made due to a fear of scarcity of potential mates to a certain extent. 

These are all very real for people, and I get it. I used to think this way too, and my love life suffered because of it. Start thinking about what are you saying no to and what are you saying yes to? Think about the type of energy you feel when you are on dates with potential mates. What does it feel like?

If you want to chat, comment below or send me an email at sonia@soniagrossi.com and we can talk about your challenges with dating. We will also come up with a plan to get you to where you want to be, and it can look any way you want.

It’s pretty simple really and it can be fun 😉

Love, Sonia

 

 

The Digital Age is Only a Filter

The Digital Age is Only a Filter

So I’m talking to a colleague of mine recently about dating. She’s someone in a long-term relationship asking me the single person what my experience has been. She’s interested to know what it’s like for us single gals and wants to compare my experiences to those of her girlfriends. She gives me advice, recommendations, and laughs at some of my stories as I share about recent dates I’ve so courageously experienced. Man, the conversation truly de-energized me. Just to even speak of some of the things I experienced was almost painful. Her advice was rather helpful, I must say.

One of the things that came up in conversation was that some of her friends tried online dating. I am a culprit of the online dating apps which have yet to be successful, and I have recently taken a break from it. I made a comment about how men (and I’m sure women do this as well)  post these overly adventurous pictures of themselves. Things like snowboarding, skydiving, playing the guitar, rock climbing, traveling, playing the piano, playing sports, out at sports events, bungee jumping, you get the drift. It honestly made us laugh. We laughed because through the online world; we are putting filters on our lives to show people who we truly are NOT. The disappointing part of all of this is that when you meet these people who have these types of profiles, you realize they are not really at all as exciting as their profile pictures make them be. Quite personally, I love men who value health and being active, however, if they were obsessed as some of their profile photos make them seem, I wouldn’t date them anyways. The challenge with online dating is that we are so quick to judge and we THINK there are so many options. Or do we? We have an endless perceived choice which is different than having the real choices we want. Real dateable options are few and far between.

It made me think more about the social media world and the reality we believe we are living. The discussion has been going on for a LONG time, and it can take very different angles. My take is that we are becoming obsessed with social media, creeping social media, portraying that our lives are far more exciting than they are, and we are addicted to our phones. SERIOUSLY – put your phones away when you are out with people it is SO rude. Unless there is an emergency or you need to check up on your sick child then fine, keep your phone handy.

I see it, you see it, we all see it ALL THE TIME. We post the best parts of our lives to FEEL better about ourselves. I had a friend ages ago give me advice about what to post and what not to post on social media from her perspective of an external world. She would say things like, “I would never post that outfit on Instagram, take it down, Sonia.” OK, sure ma’am you’re the boss. Many of us have ulterior motives as to why we post individual photos or videos on social media. Some of us want our exes to know we are having WAY more fun without them. Some of us use it to attract more clients. Some of us post ourselves “out” at special events for others to feel bad that they are not there with us. On the receiving end, we get constant snapchat updates from people we know having fun at places we did not receive an invite for in the first place. I see it all the time with my clients. It can be considered a form of bullying except it’s online instead of in-person. Some of us post certain things to invoke a particular emotion in another human being like jealousy or envy. I sometimes reflect back to the way things were for me before the internet became a big deal when I was a kid. That was a much simpler time; however, kids were mean to your face or behind your back. A different set of problems came from that era, and I can ONLY imagine what it’s like to be a kid nowadays.

However, on the flip side social media can be used for good. We can now share our stories and inspire others to make positive changes in their lives. We can use social media to find and build our tribes and be a part of a larger community which is what the world needs. We can help people through our stories and show people that they are not alone. Social media is a tool we can use to make a living by sharing these stories, promoting ourselves, and letting the world get to know us. We can use it to have discussions and debates and learn from one another in a respectful way.  Trust me; there are a TON of benefits of social media if we are using it in the right way.

I want to leave you with this. Don’t worry about what your friends are posting online or even what your exes post. Don’t compare yourself to others because their social media profiles seem exciting and interesting. It is not real. 98% of us use social media as a way for others to perceive us in a certain way and this is very easy to do. Focus on yourself, believe in yourself, and honestly turn off your phones at the dinner table. You’ll feel better about it.
-Sonia