Don’t Mistaken My Kindness as Weakness

Hi there!

It’s mid-January in 2018 ALREADY. Boy did this ever come quickly. I had my first vision board party yesterday with a bunch of incredible women doing amazing things for themselves. These women are not mediocre and far from being ordinary. Being in a room with these types of people light me up and give me, even more, energy and inspiration to work on my goals and dreams.

This post is about how many people mistaken someone’s kindness as weakness. I must say that for a very long portion of my life, my people pleasing tendencies had gotten me into trouble. It’s not an attractive trait, and people can smell it off of you. It’s almost like they have this thought, “hm….weak boundaries, let’s see what I can get from this person.” Since we are all human beings, this type of people pleasing saboteur can, in fact, have you feeling taken advantage of by others if you do not set up proper boundaries. I ran into this repetitive pattern quite often in 2017, and I feel like I finally get it now. Well, there’s always more work to do. We all want to be helpful, supportive, offer our thoughts and opinions, and maybe sometimes unsolicited advice to contribute to being a “good” person. I understand the intentions might be well intended. However, there is a HUGE problem with being too kind to people. I stood up a lot for myself last year which is something I wasn’t necessarily prepared to do. I was taught to put my head down, wait for things to happen and do what people ask of you because you are in some shape or form obligated to do so. In the meantime, work your ass off until it hurts because eventually, it will pay off. The question I could have asked myself earlier on was, what is my payoff?……

Yeah, that didn’t work out for me the way I hoped. I was left feeling depleted, not appreciated or respected, devalued, and always as if I didn’t have enough to bring to the table because I still needed MORE to be successful in my career and love life. Two significant areas of my life btw.

That’s a nice combination of not feeling good enough all the time. No wonder I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried something different than the status quo in the past 1.5 years.

As for 2018, after my creative vision board party, it has offered me two themes.

A few photos of my vision board, hooray!

THEME 1: Saying HELL YES or HELL NO to anything that comes my way. There is no in-between feeling. Anything less than an eight on a scale from 1 – 10 is now a NO decision. Anything eight and above is a HELL YES move forward!

THEME 2: Say No to the Chase and Yes to Receiving. I chased people and jobs for years that offered very little fulfillment, lack of respect, and reciprocity in these relationships. I’m acutely aware now as seeing myself with impact, value, and leadership. Now, I only want to build relationships with people who understand that and who are supportive. There are no games. There is only mutual respect and easy breezy flow. To ME, that’s when I know I am on the right path and moving in the right direction. You can feel it.

There is a ton of power in saying no to opportunities and people that just don’t feel right. Let’s take money as an example since this is a topic everyone can relate to in some shape or form.

Asking for money gets easier over time. When I first started asking for money in my business, the reactions from people were hilarious. Typically, there is an excuse for why people don’t have the money right now to pay you but maybe in two months or three months when things settle down. Or, they may say we don’t have the budget to spend that kind of money for your services but, if you want to do it, and are willing to do it cheaper than we can make that happen! Keep in mind, the people I was asking money for in exchange for my services I was giving WAY too much of my time and free services than I probably should have entertained. My many acts of kindness, weak boundaries, and being SO fixated on the outcome, self-sabotaged because these potential clients did not see me as valuable enough to pay the price points I was asking. Now that also has to do with my mastery of sales at the time which is a work in progress I must say! However, I was too kind, and these acts of kindness were viewed as weakness, and I consistently questioned my worth and value.

How did this leave me feeling? Validating my thoughts and story of I’m not good enough in some way. I also believed that there aren’t enough opportunities to draw from, so I better offer something different and do it anyways.

I needed to experience this recurring pattern consciously over and over again until it became easy to say no and easy to say yes. Now when I ask for money, if the answer is no I move on without disappointment, fear, or anxiety that I won’t be able to make it. I move on powerfully and with energy because I trust that my people are waiting for me to reach out and work together without resistance or fear. (well maybe some fear!) Clients need to WANT to work with you.

The same lessons can be used in dating. I no longer entertain the game. I say yes to men who have respect and are genuine with their actions. Hell, we even have phone conversations instead of “texting.” Texting is majorly dull to me now. Please stop asking me personal questions through a text. I just can’t. I’m not the “nice” girl I used to be because I see myself as someone who deserves a love that feels extraordinary and it’s changed the game entirely for me. When you begin to shift your perspective and learn to say no without fear of scarcity, your life will open up.

If you are a single woman looking for love and tired of swiping right or left, join me on February 8th in Toronto for a women’s love circle. Early bird tickets are on sale now until February 1st.

Click here to RSVP your tickets

Be prepared to be cracked wide open at this women’s love circle and leave with a solid strategy to take your love life to the next level. It’s my mission to help women learn a new way of being in love so they can enjoy the process instead of beating themselves up for the countless disappointments. Find the love you deserve, not what you’ve been taught to justify. I can’t wait to meet you and I am so excited to talk about your LOVE story 🙂

That’s all for now!

xoxo Sonia

Dating 101

In the spirit of MOvember and everything I’ve experienced in my dating life recently, I decided to release this post. If I’m honest (which I am) dating can be an extremely overwhelming, stressful, disappointing and a dull area in our lives to navigate. Now that we have easy access to meet and talk to new people at our fingertips, it can pose discomfort for some of us as we may not be skilled in the areas of talking to people. Yes, I am being serious. Talking to humans is a skill set.

There are a lot of people both men and women I talk to who are single and feeling like crap about it. It’s as if it’s the end of the world because all their friends are getting married, having babies, or in long-term relationships. The race to the finish line is stressful, and with all the seemingly “reasonable” options settling down before our eyes, our options are limited. Or so we are trained to think.

I dedicate this post mainly to men. Women already have Matthew Hussey for that kind of thing, however, I’m open to it. I published a post a while back entitled, “What are men for?” Click here to read It received a lot of attention with men specifically. Random people on Instagram messaged me on my account. People I haven’t spoken to for years commented on the content. I find that there are three types of people in this area who genuinely desire a relationship and in the hopes for one.
1. There is the hopeless, defeated feeling type of human who dates occasionally and hates it.
2. There are the ones who enjoy dating and view dating as an exciting time in their lives. (possibilities are endless) Have fun with it.
3. There are the ones who enjoy their comfort zone a lot (me for a long time) and decide to leave love out of their lives because of 1000 reasons. Time, money, divorced, have kids, been heartbroken before. Whatever the reasons! I have been all three people.

I am now the second btw 😉

Here’s what I want to say that I haven’t said yet. Dating can be fun, exciting, and fulfilling if you know what you are doing. I truly and sincerely mean that. Your end goal doesn’t always need to be a relationship because statistically speaking, most people you meet are not a right fit for a relationship that is truly satisfying and fulfilling and that’s OK.

Often I hear my clients tell me precisely what they want their ideal partners/ideal relationship to look like and feel like and yet their current reality isn’t living up to those standards.

Or I’ll hear, if only it weren’t for this thing it would be perfect and then even after they share this, they go on to tell me, it is what it is, and you have to learn to compromise on things. Otherwise, you’ll always be alone. I agree, no one is perfect, and even though your story is cute and persuasive to a certain extent, I still believe you deserve a big extraordinary love you dream of and desire. Otherwise, what’s it all for? That’s a question to answer for yourself.

Why do people talk like this? I have some theories.

Maybe it’s a fear of not being good enough. Perhaps it’s the fear of being alone and finding someone who fits what you want seems too challenging. Maybe it’s a lack of confidence. Maybe you feel as if that person is “out of your league”. Maybe you just don’t know how to “pick up” women or talk to them. Maybe you don’t have money to date. Maybe you don’t want to be disappointed all over again. Perhaps you feel like you don’t have the time or energy to keep dating new people over and over. Maybe it’s a fear that it’s not possible to be with the person you want to be with. She doesn’t even exist, I’m running out of time, and there must be something wrong with me.

Scarcity mindset runs our lives and allow us to make bad decisions. This is where disappointment comes to play. Just think about all your previous relationships that ended. Most likely they were made due to a fear of scarcity of potential mates to a certain extent. 

These are all very real for people, and I get it. I used to think this way too, and my love life suffered because of it. Start thinking about what are you saying no to and what are you saying yes to? Think about the type of energy you feel when you are on dates with potential mates. What does it feel like?

If you want to chat, comment below or send me an email at sonia@soniagrossi.com and we can talk about your challenges with dating. We will also come up with a plan to get you to where you want to be, and it can look any way you want.

It’s pretty simple really and it can be fun 😉

Love, Sonia

 

 

The Digital Age is Only a Filter

The Digital Age is Only a Filter

So I’m talking to a colleague of mine recently about dating. She’s someone in a long-term relationship asking me the single person what my experience has been. She’s interested to know what it’s like for us single gals and wants to compare my experiences to those of her girlfriends. She gives me advice, recommendations, and laughs at some of my stories as I share about recent dates I’ve so courageously experienced. Man, the conversation truly de-energized me. Just to even speak of some of the things I experienced was almost painful. Her advice was rather helpful, I must say.

One of the things that came up in conversation was that some of her friends tried online dating. I am a culprit of the online dating apps which have yet to be successful, and I have recently taken a break from it. I made a comment about how men (and I’m sure women do this as well)  post these overly adventurous pictures of themselves. Things like snowboarding, skydiving, playing the guitar, rock climbing, traveling, playing the piano, playing sports, out at sports events, bungee jumping, you get the drift. It honestly made us laugh. We laughed because through the online world; we are putting filters on our lives to show people who we truly are NOT. The disappointing part of all of this is that when you meet these people who have these types of profiles, you realize they are not really at all as exciting as their profile pictures make them be. Quite personally, I love men who value health and being active, however, if they were obsessed as some of their profile photos make them seem, I wouldn’t date them anyways. The challenge with online dating is that we are so quick to judge and we THINK there are so many options. Or do we? We have an endless perceived choice which is different than having the real choices we want. Real dateable options are few and far between.

It made me think more about the social media world and the reality we believe we are living. The discussion has been going on for a LONG time, and it can take very different angles. My take is that we are becoming obsessed with social media, creeping social media, portraying that our lives are far more exciting than they are, and we are addicted to our phones. SERIOUSLY – put your phones away when you are out with people it is SO rude. Unless there is an emergency or you need to check up on your sick child then fine, keep your phone handy.

I see it, you see it, we all see it ALL THE TIME. We post the best parts of our lives to FEEL better about ourselves. I had a friend ages ago give me advice about what to post and what not to post on social media from her perspective of an external world. She would say things like, “I would never post that outfit on Instagram, take it down, Sonia.” OK, sure ma’am you’re the boss. Many of us have ulterior motives as to why we post individual photos or videos on social media. Some of us want our exes to know we are having WAY more fun without them. Some of us use it to attract more clients. Some of us post ourselves “out” at special events for others to feel bad that they are not there with us. On the receiving end, we get constant snapchat updates from people we know having fun at places we did not receive an invite for in the first place. I see it all the time with my clients. It can be considered a form of bullying except it’s online instead of in-person. Some of us post certain things to invoke a particular emotion in another human being like jealousy or envy. I sometimes reflect back to the way things were for me before the internet became a big deal when I was a kid. That was a much simpler time; however, kids were mean to your face or behind your back. A different set of problems came from that era, and I can ONLY imagine what it’s like to be a kid nowadays.

However, on the flip side social media can be used for good. We can now share our stories and inspire others to make positive changes in their lives. We can use social media to find and build our tribes and be a part of a larger community which is what the world needs. We can help people through our stories and show people that they are not alone. Social media is a tool we can use to make a living by sharing these stories, promoting ourselves, and letting the world get to know us. We can use it to have discussions and debates and learn from one another in a respectful way.  Trust me; there are a TON of benefits of social media if we are using it in the right way.

I want to leave you with this. Don’t worry about what your friends are posting online or even what your exes post. Don’t compare yourself to others because their social media profiles seem exciting and interesting. It is not real. 98% of us use social media as a way for others to perceive us in a certain way and this is very easy to do. Focus on yourself, believe in yourself, and honestly turn off your phones at the dinner table. You’ll feel better about it.
-Sonia