This is a post about how I learned to be the person I always needed growing up. I didn’t even know that this kind of stuff existed until very recently.
How this became true for me was with a lot of forgiveness (still working on this), letting go of who I once thought I needed to be in the world, and realizing that the only person I need is ME. There is a little girl inside of me, who is scared and afraid, and I use my inner resources to support her as I go through this journey of life and tell her it’s going to be Okay.
I’ve been challenged on this quite often, “but Sonia, don’t you need people? Don’t you have needs?” The answer is, of course, I have needs! The key is knowing how to give yourself what you need without relying on external factors to always give it to you. This goes for people who are single, married, paired up, have a community of friends, have a job or not. It actually doesn’t matter.
When you can give yourself what you need, you are a more satisfied and fulfilled human. You don’t come from a place of desperation or insecurity. You know, deep down inside you have everything you need, and everything else is just gravy.
- Do you want to feel romance and are single? Take yourself out on a date, or sign up for a singles cruise, you’ll get a lot of love that way!
- Do you want to feel desirable? Buy that sexy outfit you wouldn’t normally wear and WEAR it out in public!!
- Do you want to feel accomplished? Make decisions that make you feel that way. For example, I refer to a gratitude journal and write down my small wins for the day.
- Do you want to feel safe and connected? Check in with yourself and ask yourself what you need.
- Do you want to feel light? Go outside and soak up the sun for 5 minutes and FEEL lighter doing it.
Every feeling you can cultivate within yourself without external sources. I’ve been cultivating the relationship I have with myself for quite some time now because I realized I was relying on other people to make me happy. I was relying on a job to define my worth and status in the world. I thought that having a mortgage meant that I was a grown up. I thought that having a partner/boyfriend/marriage meant I was an adult. The truth is, I have so much wisdom now than I ever have had even just a few years ago. I surround myself with people of all ages and I don’t feel any different than those who have all these “things” and people still accept me for who I am.
For years I was hard on myself. I was quite mean. I explored a tapping coaching session with my mentor coach one day for the area of my love life. Specifically about my relationship to relationships with men! If you have never tried the tapping technique, I highly recommend it. As I explored the depths of my soul, I realized I intrinsically thought there was something wrong with me because I felt like I couldn’t figure out this relationship thing. I noticed how much I knew about love, and I wasn’t giving myself credit for it. Years of conditioning is a result of this, telling me that I need to be married before 30 and that if I hadn’t found someone, there was something wrong with me. Take into account the girlfriends you surround yourself with who are also in their twenties who also have the same beliefs. Sonia, better pick someone because you don’t want to be a part of the singles club after 30. Pick someone for their potential. Oh sexy, a fixer-upper. No thanks!
I realized through the tapping session how unfair and unkind I was being to myself. It was as if I had an out of body experience where I took a look at what I have been telling myself for years and how mean it was and how untrue it is.
I told myself things like:
- There is something wrong with me
- I am not open enough
- I have intimacy problems
- I’m not cool enough
- I don’t know how to let anyone in
- The guys I like, don’t like me
- The guys I don’t like, like me
- It’s a losing battle
- I am too avoidant to be in a relationship
- I don’t know how to be with men
- I have too high expectations of what love is and how it’s supposed to feel
Yeah, the list goes on… and it was a very true list for me, for the majority of my life. So when you have all of that running amuck behind the scenes, and you have people around you with their fears running amuck telling you straight to your face that you need to settle because you aren’t getting any younger and that you have too high of expectations, it can really mess you up. I once heard I’m dating like I’m in the 1940s. Where you even around at that time?
The thing I needed to learn to love myself is that I don’t need to listen to other people and their opinions. If I take a look at all the work I’ve invested in myself to be better, to have more skills, and learn how to love myself, this didn’t come naturally obviously. Most people you talk to haven’t done the work, so why am I taking their advice to heart as if they know what’s best?
Not taking other peoples advice at face value is also another way to love yourself. Most of us don’t know what we are doing, and a lot of us are hiding behind our choices because admitting the truth that we aren’t in the right place is terrifying.
- My longing is to experience true love with a man that I am wholeheartedly connected to emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
- My longing is to continue my work internationally and meet as many people as I can throughout my life.
- My longing is to build a community of people who I can share my secrets with, support one another, love one another, and be generous and kind all at the same time.
- My longing is that I find a place that suits my needs for flexibility and freedom.
- My longing is that I am prosperous enough to give back to people, including myself in the process.
Day by day, I am working towards manifesting my dreams, desires, and I will not allow small distractions to take up my time or energy anymore. The Sonia who used to let people suck her strength out of their own needs is no longer here, and I know what it feels like to be around energy vampires sort of speak.
I am still a work in progress and have A LOT to learn. I am exactly where I need to be.
The other day I had a guy accept my Facebook request I sent back in March and we never even went on that first date because he wanted to take me out on a first date to his place and cook for me. I blocked him. His response, as a text message was, “So you add me just to block me?” No, I added you to FB when I was interested three months ago, and we didn’t want the same things, and now, I’m not interested. You showed me who are three months ago and you aren’t allowed in my garden. Keep your ego outside my garden fence. Thank you! Also, come up with a kinder response.
Here are some questions for you to ponder:
Where do you need to start giving yourself what you need again outside of people?
What are you missing?
What do you want more of?
What are you longing for?
What are you hungry to experience in your life that you feel a distant dream?
Where do you feel inadequate and not enough to go for it?
I have opened up my calendar on June 27th for new clients only to experience a complimentary coaching session. Book your flashlight discovery coaching session.
I still have a few spots available, completely complimentary and I will be your biggest cheerleader, ask you the right questions, love you and challenge you to discover what it is you want to create. Click here to book your flashlight discovery coaching call.
Co-Active Leadership Coach