What’s your life like currently in this moment?
Is it full of fun, honesty, and integrity?
Is it full of toxicity, drama, and colluding?
I’ve definitely had the experience of both realms and one of them ain’t pretty.
I listened to a podcast the other day about how our unhealed emotional wounds are driving us to make the choices we are making today.
For example, if you had a particular type of relationship with a parent or caregiver when you were young, you are either, A: confused in love, dating or married to either your mother or father (depending on your gender), OR, B: you are, confused in romance, dating or married to the exact opposite of your father or mother.
Some of us are confused in the area of love because what we saw as children in our households, didn’t reflect a loving partnership and family dynamic. Many of us come from unhealthy family dynamics, and we repeat these cycles in our lives today. It goes beyond our romantic relationships and into our friendships and work relationships. We have an idea of what love is supposed to be like, but we are desperately searching for love and attention in the wrong places because of the love neglect we experienced early on.
I know I’ve played out this pattern for years. I kid you not. I was kind of desperate for attention and validation in others. My parents weren’t exactly the type to say; “I love you” or acknowledge me for my amazing qualities. I was often told I wasn’t doing enough at work and school and that I needed to be better. I couldn’t measure up and constantly needed to achieve more and more and more.
So I began to seek validation from men and my friends. Please pay attention to me. Please find me desirable and fall in love with me. Please invite me to your party, and if not, you are an A$$hole. Once I figured out in grade 10 that I was attractive to the opposite sex, thank you Catholic high school for kilts and learning how to apply makeup, I felt on fire. It was as if guys started to pay attention to me in a way I had never experienced before. They would say I’m hot and beautiful. They wanted to “hang” as long as I was down. Ooof, if a guy says, “If you are down,” YOU RUN.
My external circumstances were a bit of a mess. It was filled with me pleasing others to love me, lowering my standards and boundaries for attention, participating in gossip, negativity and complaining because it seemed cool. I said yes to things I wanted to say no to, and I thought I was unreasonable for wanting to say No. The people I surrounded myself with drained me rather than fulfilled me or supported my growth. It wasn’t all them though; I created this reality by playing into it. There were parts I participated in it all.
I got hurt over and over by friends. I felt betrayed, rejected and felt the jealousy by others. I was rejected by men who never saw me as a woman of value other than the “cool girl.” Stay tuned for more info on the “cool girl.” There were plenty of men who wanted something more, but it never felt like it was the real deal to me because of all the emotional wounds being played out between us. Yikes!
I needed to have these experiences otherwise I would have stayed the same. I would have easily followed the path like everyone else, but deep down inside, my soul was telling me that I was meant for something different, something bigger than the status quo. I was meant to change direction, so the Universe was like, “let’s see how much she’ll take until she actually does something about it?” Yeah – thanks!
Once I started to put back some of the pieces of myself together, my soul and learned to love myself, was when I began to notice how much I needed to step out of these unhealthy patterns with people. The truth is when you want to be a big deal, who you surround yourself with MATTERS A LOT.
You can stay the same if you choose to and keep participating in the same patterns with the same people over and over again. We put a lot of worth on the amount of time we’ve known someone as a means to never say goodbye. We think that if we were to have a courageous conversation and leave someone, they’d never recover or we’d be a bad person for doing it. There are a ton of beliefs around this.
You don’t need to choose drama anymore. You don’t need it. It’s not healthy. It’s not necessary, and it certainly is not cute. We want to fix other people’s problems because we feel bad for them. We want to save an rescue and make it okay. What are we really doing? Enabling them to continue with their b.s story that got you hooked in the first place. We think that having a little drama in our life is necessary. It’s fun, exciting and thrilling. Drama lets us know that people care about us. Believe me….after years of putting myself in these situations and being around it; it burns you OUT eventually. If you are an entrepreneur, you really don’t have the capacity to waste your time at work anymore because your revenue is all on how you perform and show up. No more water cooler talk.
Everyone has the power no matter their circumstances to change things. Even if the change is small, we all can create our reality.
So what can we do?
Have you cleaned house yet?
Have you taken a look at the people you are interacting with on the daily and how you feel after these encounters?
Who are they at work?
Who are they at home?
Who are they within your friends?
Do you have strategies to protect yourself from the victim story and drama of others?
Book a complimentary 40 – minute coaching call with me and let’s dig into the vicious circle you are caught in and find a way off of it.
Love Sonia Grossi
Leadership + Life Coach