I’ve experienced a very important lesson over and over again during the month of November. It kept knocking on my door, and it came through many people and business opportunities. I understood something about myself that was a massive shift and will be moving forward.
It’s interesting; I’ve started to notice how I feel about people who close many doors too soon before even letting me stand on their front porch. As you may have guessed, the door and porch are a metaphor for how open these people are to new experiences and people entering their life. I met multiple potential business partners, went out on many first dates, met fabulous women this past month and I realized just how off-putting it is when you meet someone new, and you wish to connect with them, and they aren’t willing to let you in AT ALL. You can smell their baggage from afar. It’s almost as if now you have to prove to them you are someone special rather than it just happening organically and seeing what happens. They come from a place of being burned before by someone else, and they look at you through a judgemental lens and perspective. It’s as if they look at you like you need to prove yourself to them. You need to prove that you are worthy to walk through their door. They probably aren’t even aware that they are doing it which is unfortunate.
I used to be that person. Everyone was a threat. I was afraid to let people in because I didn’t accept myself and I was insecure about what people may find. There were people I met along the way and felt comfortable being myself with, but, it was few and far between. What I’m learning now is expanding my biases beyond I think is safe which means being open to people who I may perceive as a threat or I perceive as “different”. I am an open book and what anyone thinks of me is none of my business. Of course, I don’t continue relationships that are not aligned with my values or who don’t have my best interest at heart. That is still a given. The difference is that my approach to new people is open and seeking connection, which is such a beautiful way to form relationships with people. Those who are open books notice others who are open books, and it can be a delightful experience.
I don’t need to jump through hoops to impress anyone. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. That’s especially not how I want to start a new friendship or relationship. I find it off-putting now whereas before I used to want to try harder with people. For example, I used to have the belief that if a man wanted me, he would work hard to break through my defensive barriers and choose me and by doing so, I would know he was the one. Many women are taught to believe that, and many women choose their partners that way. I have a new way of thinking about how to chose a partner, and it’s conscious, based on values, compatibility, chemistry, inner knowing and all the good stuff! Another example is when I met someone in business who would say something like, you don’t have enough experience for the role even though you could probably do the job. When I used to hear this, which was often, by the way, I STILL wanted to prove them wrong! I’m telling you there is another side to this coin. I didn’t want to be the woman that came to a man thinking she was damaged and that she needed to be saved. I wanted to be an open book and choose someone special. I didn’t want to have to prove my worth to an employer because I didn’t have all the certifications they were looking for because, at the end of the day, they usually ended up hiring someone without those certifications anyways. Better yet, they would then pay for them to get the certifications needed to do the job. None of it mattered. What does matter then?
When you are someone with open energy, people can feel it, and they want more of it. It’s contagious. When I began to shift my energy to be more open and learning to receive, TRULY receiving from another, it changed the whole game for me. I’d receive compliments and thank the person, instead of putting them down or say a negative comment. I’d receive someone’s generosity in paying for my drink or meal and let go of the belief that I owed them something in return. I allow people to see me, flaws and all in the hopes that either way if they like it or not, it doesn’t matter. I am authentic and real, and the right people will love me anyway. This has helped me with my business, attracting the right people my way. It’s helped me in dating and weeding out all the closed doors that come to me as broken, heartbroken, damaged, and not willing to trust another person and also the type of men who aren’t interested in me based on who I am. I also show new people in general who I am and sometimes I laugh at their response to me because their reactions are about who they are and who they think people should be that makes sense to them. I’m learning to appreciate our differences, where we land on specific topics might not always be the same, and that’s OK. I learn to enjoy it all anyway. My new way of being is open. I love people who are also open and are willing to play in the sandbox together with me. It doesn’t mean we need to become best friends; however, there is such joy when you meet people like that, and they are usually the ones worth investing your time.
I will leave you with this – learn to let others see you even if you judge those parts of yourself and learn to remove your judgements right off the bat of meeting someone new. Accept all parts of yourself because that’s what makes you the beautiful person you are and when other people have the honour to see that, its magic. Instead of turning someone away and claiming all these expectations you have of another person from the getgo, come to this person with the intention of connection. What’s available to you from this place is something new and exciting. There are so many people who are guarded or closed in their friendships and romantic partners, and they’ve been together for YEARS. My only hope is that one day they pay attention to their needs and reveal their ultimate inner knowing that they need and crave so much more meaning and connection in their relationships.
The work I do with clients 1:1 is open themselves up to experience the full range of our humanity, connect with others, and love ourselves and others. I support my clients with learning to accept themselves as they are and ultimately knowing and feeling into the space that they are enough, deserving, and worthy. Your relationships will flourish, and, you’ll have to let go some of them as well. At the end of the day, you will find the people you are looking for in life. The ones that are already there, and the ones that you still have yet to find.
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xoxo, Sonia – Coach