What types of assumptions and expectations do you have around new people you meet? I’m noticing that my assumptions and expectations of people are off base it’s not even funny. What do I mean by this?
I have a default when I meet someone new, and that is I automatically put people in the better than box than me, which in turn means, I put myself in the less than box. I talked about this concept in my workshop on Monday on Kick Your Should List Goodbye, and I am noticing it’s not just me who does this. We are continually feeling not good enough, and by we I mean women. At least that’s who will talk to me about how they feel out in the world.
Here are some assumptions that have been tested and brought to the surface recently:
– I assume that people who are older than me have their shit together and know who they are
-I assume that when I’m on a date, and we connect, he has to be my soulmate and want the same things as me. Interest = relationship
-I assume that because people I know are in a relationship, it automatically means they are happy and fulfilled…more so than me as a single person
-I assume that because people are rich, they are living life in a BIG way
-I assume that people who are “successful” on the outside, that they are somehow better than me in some way
-I assume that because people who own a house and mortgage, that they are SO responsible and “grown” up
-I assume that when I pick my partner, he will be my forever and we will live happily ever after
-I assume that when people are “nice” to me, they have good intentions for me
All of these assumptions couldn’t be further from the truth. In some cases, they can be true, don’t get me wrong. I disbelieve that every married person is unhappy 🙂 I have other assumptions too, like this one, I meet another single woman my age, and I assume she loves her life. Sometimes this is true, and, sometimes it’s not. It really depends. What I am trying to get at here is that the assumptions we put on other people make us see things the way we assume them to be. Until you dig deep with people, you often realize that they don’t have their shit together, and that’s OK. You might notice that some people are often full of it, they try to convince you that they are the shit, and it might come from a place of proving energy. It also seems like they are quite confused about something in their lives and overall, have had a journey with challenges and wins that have led them to where they are today. They have learned lessons I haven’t discovered yet, and I’ve learned lessons they haven’t experienced yet. It’s not fair to assume anything about anyone. Why? Because it distorts our reality. Think of that one friend you have that convinces you that she and the person she is seeing is going to last forever because they are so happy. She tells you that this is what its like and how it should be and that you should follow her advice to be happy and in love with someone. She probably has an assumption of love, and although it’s cute and romantic, there’s a realistic part of a partnership that we also need to consider. Speak to someone who’s been divorced more than once and ask them what they wish they knew before they got married. You’ll hear a lot of useful information of what it’s like and what you need to consider when picking a long-term partner. Even if you did everything “right,” nothing is guaranteed for “forever” as we like to call it.
Assumptions disappoint us. I went on a date the other day and had a fantastic first date experience. It’s been a while since I felt a connection on a first date experience, and I’ve been going on TONS. After four hours in I finally called it a night. We connected, and we actually asked fun dating type questions. I eventually asked him two questions that had my intuition in a knot.
The questions were:
1. What are you looking for?
2. Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Boy, was he ever uncomfortable and awkward? He couldn’t and didn’t want to answer either question for me and gave me no indication of why he was even meeting up with me in the first place. It was weird. I said I don’t expect an answer, but, this is what dating means to me. I have no fear of sharing with a man who I am and what I want. Sharing what I wanted used to scare me and I would play it cool like, “I don’t want a relationship” for fear of the guy “running” away. This belief was born because our dating culture has morphed in the last decade, people have more options now, and there is a social acceptance that “casual dating” is cool. Anyways, my date thanked me for a good night, and I said we should talk again. Two days letter I get a text message saying, I didn’t feel the spark between us. Good luck out there.
Did he just break up with me before it even started? Do you want to know what my ego had to say about that as my inside voice? You’ll have to message me personally to find out.
Either way, my point is this:
– I’m learning that not everyone knows themselves and what they want and that’s OK
– I realize that people think they know what they want based on what we’ve been -conditioned to want, but in fact, they don’t really want it
– Some people don’t like being put on the spot or being held accountable
– Some people are uncomfortable answering questions about themselves
– Even the most put together person on the surface have their s#*% going on underneath the surface
– Not everyone is comfortable with vulnerability and intimacy
– Just because I have a fantastic date, it does not mean we are meant to be or that we want the same things
– High performing conscious individuals are always striving for growth and expansion in some way
– Love is not enough
– Everyone needs help in some shape or form, whether they admit it to themselves or not
– Asking for help is a leadership skill
– Just because I’m in a relationship with someone, it doesn’t mean I need to end up married to him, and that’s OK
– Friendships come and go, and that’s OK too
– My parents love me in the way they know how, and that’s enough
– Most of us want to be appreciated, seen and heard
– Not everyone is meant to be in my life
– No one can honestly know what I know now as it has been my experience
– Understand the differences in people
– Rejection no longer stings as much as it used to and my resilience is expanding
– The scarcity of options is a myth; you have tons of options
So what now?
I am shutting off my assumptions of people because when I do, I am often surprised rather than disappointed. I see the good in every situation. I find the answers I’m looking for reasonably early which tells me exactly where this person is energetically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally, and that there is nothing to judge them for based on their answers or lack thereof. Everyone is on a journey, and I will touch as many souls that I can to those who are ready to do the work.
We need to approach people with compassion and empathy. I see so many of us including myself that are always in judgement mode with others. It isn’t pretty to see nor is it pretty for myself to be doing that. Before you put others in the better than box or you put yourself in, the less than box because you don’t have the things other people have, remember this. Whatever people tell you is a projection of their fears and beliefs. It may have “worked” out for them in the way they believe it to be normal; however, you are not them. You are YOU. You are powerful, wise, courageous, pure brilliance and capable. You have a different set of values, desires, dreams, goals, gifts, and talents to share with the world. You are different, and what works for you is different than what works for others. When you can appreciate people for who they are and where they are at, your relationships will shift. Also, realize that you don’t need to take on their stuff. You are not responsible for people’s stuff. Their stuff is their stuff and we are all responsible for our own stuff. It’s an expectation we put on others because we don’t want our stuff anymore, so we try to give it to someone else. Eventually, your relationships will give up on you if you don’t take responsibility.
Want to stop feeling in the less than box in your career, relationships, family, friends, and with your money? Schedule a sample coaching session with me by clicking here.