How many of you have experienced a friendship going sour or a relationship ending in heartbreak? Do you know why the relationship ended? Have you owned up to the parts where you contributed to the diabolic catastrophe? Or maybe it wasn’t diabolic and it just fizzled out.
Well, if you have the perspective that it was the other person entirely, then I’m sorry to say that you need to hear a hard truth about that. Hard Truth: It takes two to tango, and both parties contributed to the end of the friendship/relationship. You might also say, well, the person was an a-hole, or inconsiderate or selfish, stepped over boundaries continually, was always angry, etc. That might all be very true, however, what was your part in all of that and how long did you let those behaviours go on for?
This might not be what you want to hear, however, what we expect from other people sometimes is ludacris and that person will never be able to live up to our expectation because even if they did, they’d probably burn out and resent you. Another important tip: NOT everyone is looking for the same things as you within a relationship. This observation is coming from someone who wasn’t dating at all to now having first dates everywhere; I learned not to assume that men are looking for the same things as me. Hence why there are a lot of first dates, and not a lot of dates further along after that.
I couldn’t even tell you the number of times my expectations of both men and women killed my relationship and most of the time; I felt disappointed. Also, they would get tired of my expectations of them.
Now that I’ve learned some lessons along the way about my expectations around friends and relationships (just because the experiences repeated themselves), and, I’m a completely different person who runs her own business, on my way to be a certified coach, facilitates meetings and training in multiple organizations, devoted to personal growth and development, etc. I see the flipside to the lesson, which is that there are people in my circles who expect way too much from me. It was as if once I leveled up my leadership, dove into serious personal growth, upskilled myself immensely and stopped taking other people’s bullshit, all of a sudden; I became a member on their payroll without the salary. I love how the universe will always give you both sides of the coin so that you can see another person’s point of view. For me, it was that I realized how awful other people’s expectations of me made me want to run for the hills from them. That was because I had shifted. The shift was that I no longer had time or energy for other people’s drama because it drains my energy so much. It also invites me to play the complaining game with them. Misery loves company. Listening to drama no longer excites me. I don’t want to play into it anymore. I also have a hard time listening to people complain now. Again, I used to be a massive complainer to the people around me because of how I felt about my life. Now, I see the impact of complaining. It sucks. I don’t mind listening to people complain when I’m coaching them and I can use coaching skills to get them out of victim mode. That’s what I LOVE to do. It’s a different relationship though. Someone has paid me to be their coach, and that is the relationship we design together. Friendships and relationships are a different design. So what can we do to fix our expectations?
Ask yourself the following questions:
What is a relationship for?
Insert your answer here.
Here is my example:
Companionship, connection, respect, romance, mutually shared interests, opportunity to learn about each others differences, celebrate each other’s wins, support, trust, safety, common ground, explore each other in the way you think, wants you to succeed, is your greatest cheerleader, is present when you need it, emotionally supportive, actively chooses to experience fun together with activities, continuously growing, conscious relationship..and so on..
What are friends for?
Insert your answer here.
Here is my example:
Support, nurturing, encouragement, cheerleaders, invite you into their world and wants you a part of their life, soul sisters that do not judge you, friends realize that you are on a soul journey and want what’s best for you, they are genuinely excited when you share good news and reflect back to you their excitement, they celebrate with you in a number of ways, you can confide in them and feel safe, shared interests, love, kindness, respect, truth, honesty, boundary setting, emotional support when needed and asked…and so on..
Write down your answers to the questions with as many answers as you can think of, then take a look at your list. Does it seem like someone can be all of that for you? If yes, what are your current friendships/relationships reflecting to you? If no, then what is not realistic about that list? Keep in mind; you deserve to have fulfilling and mutually beneficial relationships in your life, no exceptions. You deserve it!
What are you tolerating in your relationships?
What boundaries need to be established?
What do you want more of out of your relationships?
What do you want less of?
All in all, your friends are not here to save you. The man or woman you are dating, seeing, married to, is not here to “rescue you.” Even though, Disney movies made it seem that a man is here to “rescue” you to all the millennial generation in particular. Ugh. I cringe at that stuff now.
Where do you need a wakeup call in your relationships? Need support setting boundaries? Standing up for yourself? Increasing your worth?
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