How do I emotionally detach from people and circumstances?
Oh, man was this ever a lesson that kept knocking on my door. I literally mean over and over and over again. It still knocks on my door in the hopes that I will respond the same way I used to in my past life. You see the universe will send you the same thing to repeat lessons just in different packages until you officially pass the test. Sometimes you might say, “OK, I get it now, I’m not going out with guys like that ever again so stop sending them my way”, but then another guy like that comes your way. The Universe wants to make ABSOLUTELY sure that you are officially saying no to these *boys*.
Emotional decoupling for many us can be a significant challenge throughout our lives. Not being good at this can cause a tremendous amount of time, energy, and money wasted on people and things that do not serve us in a good way. It’s the concept of not taking things personally and detaching yourself emotionally so that you can focus on the things that are important to you. Coming from someone who took everything personally, to the point that the feedback I hear often was “Woah, you are SO sensitive!” My reaction? I took that personally as well!
Not emotionally decoupling might look a little something like this in multiple areas of our lives:
If I worked on a project and a client shared awful feedback on the project I was working on, I’d beat myself up for DAYS on end because of someone’s opinion. What would I do next? I’d try to PROVE to people that I could do better and that I was worth it. There was a lot of proving energy, and I’ll show you enthusiasm! Ugh.
Conflict at work is inevitable. When you are around people on the daily, you are bound to experience conflict. When you are working on the same team, there can be feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and or threat. Those feelings make you act out in ways. I’d used to be so emotionally attached to the jobs I had and the people I worked with, giving them so much time, energy and power. It would consume me, before, during and after the office. I couldn’t shut it off. If I asked to work on a project and someone said NO, and they gave it to someone else? I couldn’t deal. I especially couldn’t cope if other people wanted their hands on my projects either.
I would date men I found attractive. Go out with them more than once which is a stretch for me these days and fantasize how this next great guy was it for me. He’d be the one to sweep me off my feet and want to be in a relationship with me. He’d be the one I’ve been looking for my whole life. After a few dates, I ignore what he tells me, I see some red flags, notice the disrespect, realize he isn’t that much of a gentleman and wants to hook up instead casually. My reaction to this? I’d cry, let the guy go and sulk at home by myself. I’d delete Bumble and OKCupid and say that’s it, no more of this crap. There is not ONE guy who is looking for the same things as me.
What is the effect of this? It takes me out of the game and closes myself from meeting and dating amazing guys!
Oh my goodness. If you ever started a business on your own with your own money, you know what I’m talking about. For years I was afraid to quit jobs because of the feelings of security money gave me with having that said job. If I didn’t have a job and making a consistent income, this scared the living daylights out of me.
I’d go out with a bunch of girls for a #girlsnight. We’d have a few drinks, eat some food, and talk to boys. I’d be upset if a friend spoke to a guy I thought was cute. I’d think, “Hey what are you doing? Can’t you see that I was talking to him FIRST?” Then I’d judge her, change my perspective of her that she is an awful boy stealer and not talk to her for a while. Spiteful little one I used to be in my past life.
If one of my friends weren’t playing in the sandbox with me the way I’d want to, I’d think they were a useless friend and I’d play games to teach them a “lesson.” Come to think of it, a lot of my so-called friends and I were competing for things in life. Competing for boyfriends, money, jobs, who’s having more fun than the other, who has a better career than the other. It all about look at me and what I have! Petty if you ask me.
People were telling me NO I do not want to hire you. I’m not ready. You are too expensive. I need to think about it. Holy crap. The number of times I didn’t close a sale made me doubt my whole worth and want to give up multiple times on this journey. I’d put my hands in the air and say forget it; I’ll work back in corporate and at least I’ll have security, consistent money, and benefits.
Putting way too much energy into what your family wants for you as a person. Living up to these expectations has left me feeling like a failure and unworthy because I can’t seem to hack that life. It’s kept me trapped in a vortex of things I don’t want but things I should want. When I look at the people around me in my family, it seems like they have it all.
Here are three steps I’ve come up with that I include in my emotional decoupling workshop to help us with emotional decoupling.
1. Realize that I cannot control people. I cannot control the outcome of people because we are paradoxical and COMPLETELY complex. Not everyone is like me, and that’s OK. Not everyone believes in what I believe in. Everyone has a story that makes them the way they are today. I cannot expect so much in others, just like they cannot expect so much from me. Everyone is responding to life based on what they know and what they don’t know. We are all at different points of our evolutional journey. This helps me see that I am responsible only for myself (what a relief!) and the way others think, say or do, is, usually not about me, but more so, about their relationship with themselves.
2. I look at each situation from multiple perspectives. I try to see the flipside of my current view and find one that serves me. For example, drake cancels his concert last minute, and I’ve booked two nights stay in Toronto (this did not happen to me by the way). I could sit there and be extremely upset and angry about the loss of time and money for my hotel, be sour the entire time and choose not to enjoy myself, or I could choose differently. I can ask myself, how can I make this work in my favour to have the best possible outcome? What gift has this circumstance given me instead? This allows me to move into action mode rather than stay stuck based on my conditions.
3. I can choose to give myself and others compassion. Regardless if my inner judge believes that compassion is deserved or not and in most cases, my inner judge believes that they don’t deserve my kindness. Sometimes, I write about the events of my day at night in my journal, and express compassion to those who I feel are not listening to me, taking advantage of me, have judged me, or have wronged me in some way. It allows me to connect to them on a deeper level and generate an understanding of the person. This helps me see the person in a different way, and I stay out of victim mode.
If you want to learn more tools on how to emotionally decouple and move forward in life with peace and ease, I invite you to my next training seminar. I am leading a workshop on Wednesday, October 3rd from 6:30 – 8:30 PM in Toronto. Join me to learn new perspectives, avoid suffering, and choose how much energy you give people and circumstances.