Damn she’s mean and tough. I didn’t realize how much this part of me was running my life until yesterday, and to be honest…I don’t like her all that much….

She wants to control everything. Literally everything. When things don’t go her way, she feels bad about it and then beats herself up. What a combo! Perfectionist, achievement oriented and revengeful. My goodness. Let’s not forget super impatient!

I guess I could look at all the positives she’s given me…commitment to excellence, always wanting more for myself, and as for the revengeful thing..yeah I got nothing good to say about that one. LOL. She gets me into trouble.

I’m the woman who feels upset when someone is late. I literally go nuts when people are late and we’ve committed to a time and If I’m late..I feel HORRIBLE.

I tend to think I do things better and more efficient than most people. I feel like I have a higher capacity to do more which can be good, however, sometimes I overcommit and that isn’t a good thing. Can you say burnout?

I don’t like it when others don’t want my help. Like c’mon, I know everything, use it to your advantage!

I also pretend to be ok with criticism, though I must say I am getting better at dealing.

High standards are my thing and almost impossible to reach every time. When I don’t reach them, I get disappointed and frustrated.

She’s a big part of me and was definitely helpful at times during my earlier years. I need to accept her and also let go of her a little. I didn’t realize how hard she had been pushing me until yesterday I said to myself, “Wow, I’m doing what I want to be dong in life” and she’s making it difficult for me to enjoy the process.

My public speaking needed to be perfect, my facilitation needed to be perfect, I need to look like I have everything in place so things don’t fall apart. Control, Control, Control with no opportunity to fail and learn from it so I can be better. Beyoncé always tweaks and adjusts after every performance. She evaluates herself and finds ways to be better ALL the time and yet, she’s on FIRE!

Let’s not even talk about failure. As a millennial, I didn’t have to worry about failing let alone how to deal with it, learn from the lesson, and move on. Our generation was coddled  by over parenting and everyone making sure we were OK so we didn’t have to EXPERIENCE failure. Because who wants their kid to fail in this kind of world today?  Now as an adult, failing is hard to deal with and process. The best part about failing for millennials is we feel like there is something wrong with us when we do fail. *Generalization of millennials and not true for all.

One thing this girl doesn’t mind is delegating to others. I tell ya, the other day I had a family member wrap presents for a leadership workshop I was leading. She helped me wrap 10 presents…and I had NO issues with that.

So what am I learning?

Self-compassion, self-love and forgiveness. These are all part of the process once you are aware of all the mean things we do or say to ourselves.

There is no such thing as perfection because we are human. Instead we should be taking risks regardless of the outcome and learn from our mistakes. Each and every step we take, gets us closer to finding our North Star. Listening to our inner compass will direct us to what we are meant to do with our time on Earth. Each failure we experience whether it’s with work, relationships or friendships is exactly what needs to happen so we can learn from it and find what is meant for us to be free. Many aren’t listening to our inner compasses because our inner control freak (as an example) is running the show.

Even when we think we are listening, there’s always an opportunity to take a look and ask yourself, “Is this really what I want right now?” and “how do I REALLY feel about it.”

Keep learning and quiet those inner voices who like mine sound like a drill sergeant. These voices are there to keep you small and limit your growth because of the fear that you are actually bigger than yourself. Don’t be small. We are not afraid of failing, we are afraid of succeeding. Believe in yourself to be bigger and just know, that these voices (like my control freak) will always be a part of you trying to keep you small – with good intentions.

-Sonia

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